The one in a million and a million in one ,forever I want
to be by your side
You’re in a million,show me the way
Guide me through my night
It’s been 656 days since you left.January 5,2012. It was
Thursday that time,early in the morning,when I finally woke up by Eta’s voice
telling me that your condition was getting critical. I unconsciously woke up
and rushed to the ICU. I could not hold my tear,seeing you in a body that did
not move,it’s more likely a dead body. But no ! The ventilator still showed
that your heart was alive. I touched your hand,did not want to lose the
warm-feeling of your hand. I prayed to God to let me spend more time with you
because... Because I loved you more than
myself. I called you,no answer. After not more than 1 hour
since the doctors pumped your heart,trying their best to help you survive,they
finally said to Mom,”Bu,maaf Bapak udah ga ada”.......
I was broken. My mind was distracted. I could say nothing. I
did not believe it,so I kept praying,did not know what I said,but I begged God
to give me even only one month with you. Nothing’s changed. There were six
people around your body including me,and all I heard was heartbreaking voice
and tears from my Mom,brother,sisters and my uncle. I cried very hard for I
knew it would be really hard to spend my days without you in the future. I
touched your hand. It was so warm like usual. All I knew at that time was.... I
really was not ready to lose you. After 24 days in the hospital,after those
destructed days we spent to cry,after that sweet 28 December 2011 when I saw
you smiled at me in the ICU,after the Christmas time we skipped,after the
precious moment of new year we spent also in hospital,after those
surprised-calling sound from ICU everyday,after that beautiful gaze you gave me
when I told you my stories and the Bible chapters,after those tears you cried
out when I sang your favorite song,after.... Yes after all the time we spent
together,you finally left me in a broken heart.
On the way to bring your body to Kabanjahe to hold the
funeral,I kept looking at you,holding your hand,while sometimes cleaned the
blood that shed from your nose. It was really hard to be strong when the
situation was really bad. It was really hard to look at your silent body. It
was really hard to breath without you. You showed me the sweetest smile,can not
believe how peaceful your smile at that time remembering you had got so many
pains from the surgeries.
Arrived in our beloved church,there were many people who
already prepared the room to welcome us. They hugged me,but it was so cold and
all I could feel was pain. It was really hard... Yes it was,to look at the
church building which had already done after several new constructions that you
had dreamt for many times... And it was done but you could not see it.
The following day,let say it was the last day to see your
body,more and more people came to show their condolences,which even tore my
heart worse. And then came the last moment to truly see you. The reliquary was
going to be closed.. I touched your hand,gave you my last kiss on your
cheek.... And once again whispered... “I really love you”. Then it was closed
by some men. The situation became hysterical because lots of people also cried
and wanted to see you for the last time. Thank God it finally finished not more
than 1 hour.
...................................................................................................................................................................
“Pudan gimana kencannya tadi? Sukses kan ?-Lagi dimana
boru?-Ia ambil lah ke rumah tengkeng Bapak-BPK nya udah Bapak beli untuk pudan
ya,lihat di lemari-Udah masuk pulsanya boru?Gbu Juara kan?-Udah Bapak beli BPK
nya boru,tenang aja-Oke ntar ya lagi banyak urusan kantor Bapak” and many
more...... I re-read our messages and... Smile... But then I cry. Oh how I miss
you,Big Daddy. I really do. I miss your voice,your smile,your advice,your
overwhelming care,and your love.... I miss the time when we argued about what
and where ‘dengkul’ was,and I was so stupid yet still firm to say that dengkul was
ankle not knee. Well I realize I was wrong,Dad hahaha. The time when I failed
the test of Yasop selection,I cried out loud,then you came,hugged me,rubbed my
hair,and prayed for me together with Mom. Your hobby to watch Doraemon,and when
I turned the channel to Global TV to watch Spongebob you would stare at me and
asked what kind of happiness I got from watching spongebob since you could not
enjoy it. You would also smile with me whenever I laughed while I was watching
Bukan Empat Mata. You would be so angry to me whenever I still watched some
films at midnight,but then when I said the film was so great you would join and
even more excited to watch it than me hahahaha. The time when you often
protested me for eating BPK too much,but then when I persuaded you to buy me
some BPK,well you would give me too. That time when you asked me who my
boyfriend was,and you were so excited to hear my story about my friends. That
moment when you asked me to hug you and said our ‘yelyel’ : Bapak
tengkengku,tian-tiantu ah tu teluk lah dia,ah tuat lah,ah ku cium lah
pipinya(kiss kiss kiss)”. Remember when you were so excited to celebrate Mom’s
55 birthday that you woke me up at 2 a.m hahahaha. Then you said,”we are going
to do it next year again”....Never will it be,Dad since you left earlier.
Remember when you strengthened me whenever I was down and asked me to pray
together. Remember when you finally asked Mom to tell me to enter STAN,1 day
before you fell and sent to hospital while you actually knew my dream was UI
since I was 4 years old.... But see,I am here now,exactly in the place you
suddenly wanted at that time. Remember how warm you hugged me when I had a
nightmare of ‘topeng scream’ and could not sleep for 1 hour,but then I came to
your room,you hugged me,prayed,then I fell asleep tightly in your hands. Remember Christmas
time we spent together in Church,and new year tradition we always did;’saling
bermaaf-maafan. Last new year with you was 2011 and did not know why we all
were so sad and cried when we prayed... Yes it was the last precious new year
time with you. Remember when you regularly came to my school when I was in
Elementary School because I always got the first rank in class,and you were so
proud of me. Remember when you said that your pray for me in Province English
Debate Selection was that I would be the winner but I said it was impossible since
I had never joined such a competition,but then my team got the 2nd position....
Remember when....... Remember when.......
Remember when we spent our time talking
about life and how you were so thankful and said that Jesus was really
good.....
.. Remember when you said that you would live in my own
house with Mom when you both got old.... When you said that you would be so happy in
my wedding day... Remember when you walked to my room at night,just to make
sure if I had slept or not,then I was pretending to sleep and you would stare
at me for some minutes and then closed the door..... Remember all those sweet
moments..
...................................................................................................................................................................
“You don’t know what you’ve got,till the love is almost
gone. This time he’s given up. Still in the state of shock, I should've seen it
coming on. It's too late for waking up. His mind's made up. I know the dream is
over,but my heart just can't let go. He's too good to be forgotten,too good to
be true. Before my world is torn apart.I'll promise him the moon.
I was too blind to notice him,wrapped up in myself,workin' hard overtime,
night and day.I thought we were so secure,can't imagine someone else could come
between us,and take you away”
..................................................................................................................................................................
We were born,we live,and we gotta die someday. Nothing is permanent. You can not make people
you love stay forever. You can not exchange your life to save people you love.
It was hard,but life must go on. I miss the past,but I can not live in it.
.................................................................................................................................................................
God saw he was getting tired,and a cure was not to be
So He put His arms around him,and whispered “Come with
Me”...
With tear-filled eyes I watched him fade away
Although I love him deeply,I can not make him stay
...............
A golden heart stopped beating
Hard-working hands now put to rest
God broke my heart to prove to me
He only takes the best.
“Till you return to the ground,for out of
it you were taken;for dust you are,and to dust you shall return” (Genesis 3:19).
Closed eyes, heart not beating, but a living love.
Thank you,Big Daddy.
Forever in love with you.
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